Destroy Furniture for Food: "Neo-Punk Fashions for the 21st Century"

Disclaimer: Please note that the opinions that Charly expresses in this editorial are entirely his own and don't necessarily reflect the views or opinons of anyone on the XROXX Staff.  Most likely you will be dissed and offended after reading this article - don't worry, we were too!  So, read at your own risk!  In the best interests of the First Amendment, we decided to post this article and let you decide for yourself - the way it should be.

Hey, did you just push back the long, jet black, straightened hair in front of your right eye away to read this?  Yes?  Then I have two words for you; fuck off.  I am so sick of seeing these new age punk kids dressed like they're extras in a Tim Burton movie about Anorexia.  I know some of you are thinking, "Hey, shut the fuck up, Charly. It doesn't matter what you wear if you're 'punk,' just be yourself."  Well, I got some news for you, it does matter and dressing like this certainly doesn't make you an individual.  We live in troubled times and anorexic, pale kids with parted black hair and Hot Topic purchased clothes have no place in the punk scene.  They look like they should be at home crying and listening to The Cure.  Instead, they're starting lame-ass bands, taking over good venues with their shitty shows, and growing in numbers with the help of Myspace.com.  I'm not a fan of the pop-punksters either (you know, the ones who go to Warped Tour to see NFG, Yellowcard, and Simple  Plan), but they are definitely not as big of a threat as these goth looking freaks.  I sincerely hate these fools whom I call the neo-punks.

I first noticed this new breed of posers very recently, but they are growing at a rapid pace!  These assholes first started showing up in the punk scene a few years ago, but back then they sported the big, black glasses (with perfectly good vision), shorter hair, and they made it seem cool to act like a big pussy when your girl leaves you.  They were known as "emo kids."  Soon, punks decided to lighten up and write about their feelings.  Every emo band sounded alike and all wrote the exact same song over and over again.  It was emotional music minus the emotion that was eaten up by stupid girls, and stupid guys who wanted to get in to the stupid girls pants and AP magazine.  Today, this emo sound and style is fading away and spawning a whole new, angrier version.  They now listen to such bands as Every Time I Die, Thrice, Coheed and Cambria, and just about any band that has a word to do with dying in its name and a pathetic motherfucker who screams his ass off on every song (while not screaming, he's busy whining).  These assholes make me miss the emo fad.

These neo-punks give real punks a bad rep.  Because of my piercings and tattoos I have people come up to me and say, "Hey man, aren't you bummed Thursday broke up?"  Thursday sucked and always will suck.  Anyone who makes slow, long, annoying songs and passes it off as "punk" deserves a big, fat mushroom bruise.  But this is just my point.  These neo-punks and neo-punk bands are becoming so popular and mainstream that people pass them off as real punk and people with no knowledge on the subject assume every punk listens to that crap.  I can't take this fucking bullshit anymore, so I've compiled a list that tells you if you are in fact a "neo-punk."

Clothes - Tight, dark blue jeans or tight, black pants with a fancy belt.  A tight black shirt with a shitty band on the front (most likely stated above) that was bought at the mall.  An occasional hoodie sporting more lame band names.

Shoes - Low-top Converse Chuck Taylor All Stars, or anything black.  No high top Chuck's allowed.

Piercings - Ear lobes are a must, usually stretched to huge gauges.  Eyebrows and lips are optional.

Tattoos - None.  Usually, they're not old enough, but sometimes you'll find some with stupid star tattoos or some shit like that.

Music - Bands that scream a lot, bands with lame lyrics, bands that look just like them, but more model-like, almost any band featured in AP magazine (AP does sometimes have a good story, for every one there are about ten bad ones) and bands who think that if they write boring songs they will be appreciated as "artists."

Hair - The worst hair cut known to man.  I know you've seen it.  It's parted to one side, really long in the front, short and spiky in the back, almost always dyed black.

I know this new punk fashion is becoming the norm, so I will most likely get a lot of shit for this, but I don't care.  Stop ruining what my whole life has been based around.  Misfits who don't belong anywhere, go to punk to belong.  You're not, nor will you ever be, a punk if you go to it to make yourself look cooler, which every single one of these neo-punks are doing.  If you did happen to fall in to my neo-punk list, don't worry.  Just stop wearing your sister's clothes, cut your hair, start using the telephone to communicate, and go back and be the person you were six months ago.

NOTE: I don't like the neo-punk trend and I don't like emo, but there are always exceptions and Weezer's Pinkerton album was great.

Wanna disagree with me or throw down your own opinions or just bitch at me for awhile...visit my article thread on the XROXX Message Board... click here if you dare! -> Talk Back Biyatches!! My Board!

Love,
Charly

E/hate-mail: charly.hogeboom@XROXX.com

AIM = CharlyGGM

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